The tao of affability

A couple of short stories on behaviour, troglodytes and affability..

First Story (about me):

[framed_box]Sitting around with other parents last weekend, we discussed an article about high school behaviour: principals, students, cliques, and political correctness. Of the parents that spoke, many disagreed with much of the content and premise of the article. I eventually piped up and said why I essentially agreed with the author, as being a contrarian is where I often end up.. (although in this case I had no qualms about my position).[/framed_box]

I may have changed some of their perspective through my comments, I don’t know. But thinking about it later while starting this blog, I probably made no friends in airing my thoughts. I did it in an overly ham-handed, jousting way, and who wants to lock horns in what is a socially convivial setting. Clearly I need to temper my delivery (and I daresay behaviour) the next time around.

But in my defense, my pugnaciousness pales compared to what I encountered the other night at a cocktail party.

Second Story:

[framed_box]At a social event after a soccer match, I watched three women politely listen to a hedge fund manager from the US hold forth. From what I gathered, none of the women knew much about hedge funds, but it was a social chit-chat, small talk is the essence of such gatherings, and you never know who you end up talking with; that’s the whole point.. The hedge fund guy was apparently not only maladroit in his small talk but verbally belligerent. He brow-beat, berated, interrupted, and talked down to them, alluding to how ignorant they were–of Wall St, finances, taxes, more or less anything. Indeed, one of the three women, who never says anything negative about anyone, walked away, saying how uncomfortable it was listening to him. It was not a conversation, but an uncomfortable and sour place to be..[/framed_box]

And the point of these two situations I was involved in? Behaviour and Affability.

Affability is defined as easy-going, gracious, genial, amiable. Not quite the same thing as being kind (extremely important) nor as nice (too broad) or humorous or quick-witted, nor even all the talk of charisma but someone with a light and easy touch with others.

Why is this important? Aren’t we splitting hairs? Absolutely not. Having a good nature, being pleasant and friendly around those who may not be, is imperative.

Being affable gives one latitude, and in doing so, one cannot rush to judge you harshly. Affability is not grounded in lobbying to get others to approve of you, because affability (as opposed to being nice..) is how you feel about yourself, and thus, how you act towards others.

That light touch is so so critical, as people warm to those who bring a bit of warmth. Affable does not mean that no one knows what you think or stand for. Far from it. One can have pointed and strong opinions, but the delivery is done in an affable way, and that makes all the difference.

Indeed, knowing where one stands is important; whether one agrees or not is secondary, it is that you know your point of view. Affable is not didactic, nor ponderous, nor confrontational, nor obtuse.

In my story, had I modified my initial thoughts to engage a smile from the people I was with, I would have likely future dialogue, based on comfort. I came out swinging, made my point, but hardly affably..

In the second story, had the boorish guest merely listened, smiled and made a few small jokes, the women at that party would not have spent the weekend spewing invective about hedge fund managers..

We all get so caught up in being right–and being the first to say how right we are–that we overlook the tremendous importance of a smile, a nod, a warm word and some eye contact, all with a pleasant disposition. This is not a Miss Manners column, it is Leadership 101, and if you think of leaders who are affable, you’ll see exactly what I mean.