Simply argumentative…
Someone wiser than I, Alan Weiss, recently mused about others who disagree, stating:
“Too many people respond to a new idea or suggestion with, ‘Let me tell you how I do it,’ or, ‘I disagree.’ Their immediate response is to protect their own thinking patterns or try to prove they know more.”
“Hang on,” I replied.
I disagree regularly. It’s how you disagree, and I (would like to think) do so with aplomb and grace. Anyhow, I continued, having a healthy dollop of scepticism may well result in disagreements, but with all the bloviating out there, it’s to be expected. As long as one’s moral compass is screwed on straight, disagreement is part of the fabric of life, business or personal….
His reply was withering (and, of course, he disagreed..)
“Disagreeing–especially regularly, makes you overly emotional, and you now sound simply argumentative. Why are you outraged so often? I don’t disagree “regularly” and yet I’m a thought leader in my field [He is–and can back it up] The ability to feel someone else is wrong and NOT have to tell them is the sign of confidence and maturity. Think about it.”
I did think about it, and told him that he was right. (He was, but it also a Hobson’s choice. If I’d said I disagreed again, it would have further proven him right).
But that is not the point. It is that we often think our opinion matters, our voice must be heard, our knowledge and expertise clearly visible at all times. But it doesn’t. Verbally crossing swords–politely or adversarially–seldom burnishes a relationship.
How do others view you after a meeting? Can you truly put yourself in their seat, and when they walk away, are they prone to think:
a) “X is smart, but dammit, can’t get a word in, as usual. He’s more concerned about his verbal pyrotechnics and defending his position to show he knows more than I do.”
Or..
b) “X is smart. He/She is just a patient listener, funny, and comfortable to be with. The comfort is that he knows where he’s going, what he wants, won’t settle for less, and makes me genuinely feel better about myself.”
Here is an excerpt of an interview I just read with a well known chef, Mario Balati:
..Realize you’re not the most important or the most intelligent person in the room at all times.. Understanding that is a crucial component of the kind of self-deprecation that makes someone really good at understanding other people, especially when they’re faced with their own limitations and they come to you for help. It’s about being able to empathize and understand and communicate, even under stress, in a way that helps them solve a problem, as opposed to becoming part of the problem. The first day a chef believes that he or she knows everything is the first day for the rest of their life that they will be a jerk, because you can’t know everything…
The boss is never the most important person in the room at all times, and if they are trying to prove their importance, they will be–as Chef Balati stated–jerks.
NOT having to prove yourself to others, even if they’re clearly off base, exudes comfort–with oneself and with others.
The need to always be right will remain the domain of the churl, the child or the politician. Ask yourself “How often do I disagree?”
If you say “regularly” – as I did – some soul-searching and reflection might well be in order, and tamp down the need to prove yourself. You may well find the results liberating..
