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The Mechanics of Manners; 10 points

manners More than simply being polite, better to describe manners as the “instruction booklet” for humans. In today’s topsy-turvy world of social media, manners matter even MORE than in the past. Friction is caused by two objects moving into each other, and manners lubricate the friction.

None of us are born with good manners; we all have to be told how to behave, and learn from repetition, like anything else worth doing well. When we have a critical mass of many [grown] people using manners, the foundation of a civil society is there to build upon. More than even the rule of law, observing manners allows us to cooperate, listen, and behave well (most of the time..)

Emily Post’s definition:

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others (emphasis mine). If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

Here are my 10 points for day-to-day awareness–at work or outside.

Good manners are when you:

  1. Can put up with those who lack them
  2. Understand the difference between a compliment and flattery; how to deliver the former and minimise the latter
  3. Separate a healthy ego from bragging; the mature and the immature. A healthy ego has proven the point through; a braggart is insecure, and reminds you by talking about what will be..
  4. State your point of view affably, not shove it down someone’s throat to win at all costs..(it’s not a contest; it’s a conversation)
  5. Hold your tongue. Don’t say what you want because “you had to get it off your chest” (That’s the “can we be open?” sort of attitude, immaturity masquerading in an adult body..)
  6. Don’t interrupt or finger jab. Let it rest and allow someone else to unload their concerns. The answers will usually fall into place without the interruptions.
  7. Lessen the verbal wrist flicking of “You don’t really know how things work here”, the I know-more-than-you attitude. Longevity at a job doth not maketh one wiser, just older..
  8. Tamp down the expression of the “you must be out of your mind”/”I can’t believe you said that” look, usually done by higher management to those underneath them.
  9. Thank people, regardless of who they are or their status. We all swim in the same waters, and absolutely no one is above thanking others.
  10. Know how to apologise-and damned fast. I am not referring to cross-cultural apologies (where it is easily and obligingly done in certain cultures) but the apology needed to get on with work at hand. This alone deserves a blog of its own, as the politics of apology is an important one.

In the words of Rabbi A J Heschel, “When I was young, I admired clever people. As I grew old, I came to admire kind people.”