Tiger moms, talmud and talent
All the talk on Tiger Moms and Asian versus Western parenting has opened new channels of dialogue, but one thing that has interested me is the use of language, and in the case of Amy Chua, verbally abusive language. Calling one’s child lazy, stupid, garbage, dumb ugly, etc is-in Chua’s eyes- to toughen them up, and that they really don’t mean it anyhow, a verbal pirouette of tough love, I suppose.
What I have not yet seen addressed is that such verbal slander is not only dangerous, it is ethically wrong, with far-reaching consequences. And a child is hardly equipped to fend off a verbal onslaught.
As Longfellow once wrote, “A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child.”
Verna Yu, who lives in Hong Kong, wrote “I Was A Tiger Daughter” in the IHT last month (IHT, Jan 29-30 2011):
Even as adults, the emotional scarring from the harsh words and name-calling never quite leaves leave you. behind the determination of many young Chinese to excel is a deep rooted anxiety that they will be ridiculed and shamed unless they succeed.
Excluding physical abuse, there is nothing more dangerous–and harmful–than words; not only to children, but adults as well. Whether withering criticism, untamed anger, sarcasm, humiliation, nicknames, gossip, rumour-mongering, public or private, to your face or behind your back, such nastiness is unfortunately also the stuff of endless drama..
In Judaism, there are hundreds of laws on what not to say, and much of it on what in Hebrew is called Lashon Hara (disparaging speech, but literally the evil tongue). Let me list a few, and I wonder what Ms Chua would think..
The Talmud says that the tongue is so dangerous it must be kept hidden from view, behind two protective walls (the mouth and teeth) to prevent its misuse. It also says that the harm done by speech is even worse than the harm done by stealing or cheating someone financially: money can be repaid, but the harm done by speech can never be repaired.
And more..
In gossiping. the act of listening is worse than telling the gossip. Why? Because no harm could be done by gossip if no one listens. When one gossips, the Talmud says it kills three people: the person gossiping, the person who listens, and the person about whom it is told..
And a bit more…. Talmudic rules on watching what you say:
- You may not call a person by a derogatory or embarrassing nickname, even if he or she is used to it.
- You may not ask a store owner how much he would sell something for if you have no intention of buying.
- You may not sell a person damaged goods without identifying the damage, even if the price you give is fair for the goods in their damaged condition.
- You may not offer a person a gift or invite a person to dinner if you know that the person will not accept.
- You may not compliment a person if you do not mean it.
And on and on…
The point of all is this is not a lesson in Judaism, but that behaviour, and words–whether a parent to a child, or a boss to a subordinate, must be watched carefully. Knowing how to criticise gracefully, and how to praise effusively, comes with experience and time.
I’m sure Amy Chua would hop up and down and say how lavish she was with her parental praise, but words that pierce don’t go away, and the ones that compliment last a long long time. That is a lesson for not just parents, but everyone–the Golden Rule is there for a reason. Last Talmudic quote: “Who is wise? One who foresees the future consequences of his/her actions”. So watch it the next time you get ready to verbally lay in to someone–and reread this..
